Jennifer Aniston will adopt Tila Tequila mistaking her for a charming if sexually precocious 11 year-old Vietnamese boy. Angelina will have the last laugh yet again.
A dozen more horse-headed mingers will reveal their affairs with newly-minted-golfing-bad-boy Tiger Woods, proving once and for all that men actually do sometimes go out for horseburger when they have fillet steak at home.
Britney Spears will take top honors in Who’s annual “Sexiest slags you’d tap only after having taken a high powered house and a bottle of domestos to ‘em” issue. Lindsay Lohan will be devo’d.
Cate Blanchett’s luminosity will be spotted from the space station just in time to push her Oscar votes right over the top for the second time. During her acceptance speech, her cool demeanor will refreeze the polar ice caps and she will be named the ninth wonder of the world. (Ruby Rose having already been named the eighth.)
Lisa Curry Kenny and Grant Kenny will remain both estranged and identical.
A big Hollywood producer will see pics of Nikki Webster in her sexiest outfit and cast her in the coveted roll of Jean-Benet Ramsay in a bio pic.
Australian Idol will be replaced by wealthy middle-aged TV executives poking retarded people with sticks for an hour every Sunday night. Andrew G will both host and condescend.