Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Madam Meshel’s celebrity predictions for 2010

Jennifer Aniston will adopt Tila Tequila mistaking her for a charming if sexually precocious 11 year-old Vietnamese boy. Angelina will have the last laugh yet again.

A dozen more horse-headed mingers will reveal their affairs with newly-minted-golfing-bad-boy Tiger Woods, proving once and for all that men actually do sometimes go out for horseburger when they have fillet steak at home.

Britney Spears will take top honors in Who’s annual “Sexiest slags you’d tap only after having taken a high powered house and a bottle of domestos to ‘em” issue. Lindsay Lohan will be devo’d.

Cate Blanchett’s luminosity will be spotted from the space station just in time to push her Oscar votes right over the top for the second time. During her acceptance speech, her cool demeanor will refreeze the polar ice caps and she will be named the ninth wonder of the world. (Ruby Rose having already been named the eighth.)

Lisa Curry Kenny and Grant Kenny will remain both estranged and identical.

A big Hollywood producer will see pics of Nikki Webster in her sexiest outfit and cast her in the coveted roll of Jean-Benet Ramsay in a bio pic.

Australian Idol will be replaced by wealthy middle-aged TV executives poking retarded people with sticks for an hour every Sunday night. Andrew G will both host and condescend.

10 comments:

  1. Fuck your hilarious!

    "Australian Idol will be replaced by wealthy middle-aged TV executives poking retarded people with sticks for an hour every Sunday night. Andrew G will both host and condescend."

    So idol continues just like any other year then! ;p

    ReplyDelete
  2. Love it - stoked I can "read you" and "listen to you". You're awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I see there is still no future for the plastic faced Nicole Kidman..

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thou art pure genius Keep it coming!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Agreed, you are a genius. Keep this blog up, even when it wins you a column with *insertnameofhighlyrespectedmediaoutlethere*

    Also looking forward to the Jon-Benet biopic. I think Dannii Minogue would be great as MomRamsey.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Love your work Meshel - unfortunately Australian Idol is being 'rested' this year, so no condescending in that forum but am sure Andrew Gunsberg will find another one - ohh just saw that he has a blog too, so perhaps thats the outlet! Keep it coming, I love your style.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Ha! I love it. I think they will ALL come true.

    ReplyDelete
  8. That's so funny! Love it!!! I am so happy and entertained at your blog..... :-) Love your work!!

    ReplyDelete
  9. There was Rick, who was awesome and witty and hilarious, but the powers that be deemed his blog 'a conflict of interests' and it has disappered into the bowels of 'The Archiving Vortex'. Thank-you Meshel for starting up a blog that definitely fills the void of Ricks departure. Love it.

    ReplyDelete
  10. "horse-headed mingers"...........half a cup of tea just flew out my nose....... I LOVE it!!
    The HHM, not the tea out the nose bit, that just felt weird...

    ReplyDelete