Monday, January 11, 2010

'Cause I can't get a column.

As I type I'm at my kitchen table wrapped in a towel. It's a 'bath sheet' actually, as you and I both know, a standard towel would not encase my outer Goddess. I've not had a chance to dress since showering with my infant twins, one at a time, in an attempt to establish the concept of bed time in their soft little heads. They both missed the meeting about going straight to the cot and a sound slumber from the shower so I'm rocking one with my foot and my husband Adrian is rocking the other with his. Don't know which, does it matter?

Bouncy rocker things have changed since my day when they looked like an old moll's fishnet stocking strung over a contorted clothes hanger. These ones send a vibration through the baby's nether regions and play show tunes. Sounds like a pretty good night out to me, however the babies are so-over-it and now demand to be rocked as well as vibrated. In fairness, that does sound like a better night.

All the time we attempt to send them off, the fairly newly acquired shelter dog BJ stands directly between them barking at the cat. Every time he does it, we scream "BJ!" in unison. He glances over his shoulder smiling broadly and barks again. I decide to poor myself another glass of cask wine rather than throw the glass at the little blighter and realise the tempo of my foot rocking has increased to catapult speed. The occupant is quiet and has his eyes close so I continue apace.

Adrian reckoned he would cook Spag Bol tonight but it's 7.15 an there's no sign. I'm hungry enough to eat the bum out of a low flying duck but I say nothing as it'll shit him and ruin my chances of a bit of action later on. Not that my chances are great mind you, but you gotta know when to hold' em. I'll eat some gherkins from the jar. (Not an analogy, actual gherkins).

OK, so now that you have a picture of the true suburban banality of my life, and the jaunty resignation with which I live it, TELL ME I SHOULDN'T HAVE MY OWN COLUMN SOMEWHERE!

You know, like a newspaper column or one in a magazine. A little strip down the side of the page with a photo of me with too much make up and a forced smile at the top. One of those bits in the magazine that you only read when your on a flight or in a waiting room, and you've read all the good stuff so you go back and read the book reviews and Jennifer Hawkins interviews and columns and that. I want one of those.

It's bullshit, it really is. I've been trying for years to get one. I eventually tried to get just a local one in Brisbane which frankly would not have satisfied my literary dreams but I thought it would be a start. Well, the Brisbane 'media' expects you to work for free, and even then national anonimity appears to be a prerequisit. They let me fill in for their resident domestic diva once when she went on holidays, then refused to cough up the fee afterwards and that was that. Bullshit.

Just check out my credentials. I'm 36, (old enough for self-deprecation, see bath towel gag at top,) married 13 years, (not as long for murder etc. etc. etc.) have just given birth to IVF twins (career girl leaves run too late and almost misses out, should not be subsidised by rest of society, see current Medicare safety net debate. Topical.) I am relatable as f@$%.

So, I've decided to blog as no one can stop me and if I'm not going to get paid, I don't expect to have to follow any rules either. Let's go bitches.




47 comments:

  1. Friggin hilarious, and yes, you should have a column... and when you get one, can you get me one too? No, kidding...no, seriously, can you? No, kidding, really.
    Maybe....ahhh...let's go bitches.

    ReplyDelete
  2. You deserve a column! i'd read yours over some prissy uptight high society mum anyday. Your f***** hilarious! <3

    ReplyDelete
  3. You guys kick arse! Thanks for the encouragement.

    ReplyDelete
  4. This is awesome Meshel!!! Can't wait to hear you back on the radio! (I am a bit of a brekky nerd, 8 days worth of podcasts on my ipod). Are you doing any stand up this year?

    ReplyDelete
  5. Bloody hell! Your life sounds even more mental than mine so I'll follow you. Hopefully, I'll feel better in the process.

    As my darling late Pop would have said,"you're a hard case Meshel".

    xox

    ReplyDelete
  6. Way to go girl! You should have a column.. you're awesome! hope you and the bubs are doing well too

    ReplyDelete
  7. I don't think there will be any stand up for me this year Matt. To be honest with you, I started out 16 years ago and now it bores me shitless! Ugh.

    ReplyDelete
  8. LMAO...this could ugly couldn't it Meshel???

    ReplyDelete
  9. Meshel! Please post regularly! You are awesome! :)

    What moron would not give you a column!

    xx

    ReplyDelete
  10. Luv ur work Meshel....You are pure GOLD!!

    ReplyDelete
  11. blogging is the way to go, seriously. You can write what you want. The minute you write for a big circulation deal, you sell your soul. That's what i tell myself anyway and am very happy with my lovely community of readers in my niche market!

    ReplyDelete
  12. meh- if you blog, at least you can write whatever you want and are accountable to no one.

    At least you have a fantastic job to fall back on!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Well put Meshel! If there was any justice in this warped world, the editors of "B-Mag" would find a brain, boot out Anna Bligh's advertoral, sorry, 'column' and replace it with your wicked words!!

    In the meantime, inbetween the madness of motherhood, keep blogging away! You at least gave us a giggle!

    ReplyDelete
  14. To much of your dispear, living in a different state to you makes me love you for creating this blog, so I'm not subjected to inter-state paper not being able to readness! Your fabulous and we should all be so greatfull to hear the comedic stories that your bound to have instore!
    I'm looking forward to the next post Meshel! Good luck and I hope you eventually got more than gerkins for dinner! *wink wink* lol
    Enjoy Xx Jen

    ReplyDelete
  15. TBH Meshel. You're too good for a Column. Too much talent to be wasted in MX or the Advertiser here in Bris. Blogs are much more fun and, no, you don't have to do what you're told.

    Best thing about a blog is it's all you. Screw those that have said no to you. They don't deserve this gold.

    Good luck m'love, you won't need it tho.

    - K
    ps: Your bath sheet comment rocked.

    ReplyDelete
  16. If anything, it will be cathartic - for either you, or us as readers. Only time will tell really. I have a toddler and baby, I live in Brisbane, and I think you're hilarious. Please keep writing.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Hoy! Moy name are Miss Gerda Itchy. Oy wool corl yoo... um... Minshol. Cool. Oy fink whot yoo even rite too gooder for a nyewspaper collum. Oy reckon too hard whot yoo need'a rite a top sellin' book. A noice pickshar book wif lots of triffic wroiting loike yoo dun in this blob. Funny pickshars and funny riting. Your blob is great - sorry, I meen GRATE! Have yoo ever troyed a gerkun moolkshake? Oy have but oy vommided it on me cat named Brett. Oy named her after Brett Whoitley coz she are on herrawin. xxx sixty hard loves off of Mince Gerda.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Luckily Meshel Laurie, you're much bigger and better than a column in Brisbane.

    ReplyDelete
  19. You're doing well to make your way through the fog to find a computer. I don't think I got past choosing between fucking Karl or Koschy, even on a good day. And that was just one at a time. Hope there's lots more.

    ReplyDelete
  20. meshel, you rock! have missed you in the mornings on nova sooo much. you most definitely deserve a column... but in the meantime PLEASE keep blogging. your blog is going straight to the top of my faves.

    ReplyDelete
  21. good on you ! miss you on the airwaves you are THE funniest :)

    ReplyDelete
  22. I can tell you why you don't have a column, it's nowhere near condescending enough and there's not even the slightest smug mention of a wankerati cafe/restaurant (where could Adrian have just popped down to instead of making spag bol) or designer brand anything (what $4000 cots are your twins sleeping in?) and surely you should have mentioned the gherkins were home brand for ironic kudos.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Meshel - my twitter friend...
    This is an excellent step for you - you know you can get paid to blog and you dont need any stupid magazine/publisher. If you want info just lemme know.
    Ironic that I also started a blog as a new year's resolution - go figure.
    You know I have always been a huge fan of yours and you can see by the glowing comments above that you are adored and admired. You will never go unnoticed in Brisbane-Town girlfriend! So the key is keep blogging - the people will help spread your message - you are the sum of your followers and they too are of theirs.
    Good lucky luvvy - catch you on the wireless soon we hope!
    Bindi (bindibrilliance)

    ReplyDelete
  24. Gawd, Meshel, if you can't get a column that really doesn't give much hope for the rest of us! ;)

    Congrats on starting your new wordplay-pen.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Hey Meshel, Good for you! I must say that since I have moved from Brisvegas, that I have missed you on Nova. (I have Nova withdrawls!!) I go online and listen there!

    Go the blog... that is so friggin rude that you can't get your own column, you are awesome!

    Looking forward to reading your blog and all your posts!

    ReplyDelete
  26. Ah...there's a lot to be said for looking at the world through cask wine-coloured glasses. Really, nothing beats a glass or two of the stuff to dull the crazy. And with twins I think the crazy will just keep coming (just in case you still have the rose-coloured glasses on!).

    I'm looking forward to following you because you're relatable as f@$% and one can't miss a chance to stick it to The Man

    ReplyDelete
  27. I feel you should create your own magazine something with a catchy title such as:

    "Baby insanity"

    "Last leap before menopause"

    "The Australian Wife"

    Last one could make an interesting reality TV show. I am keeping it for my own then :)

    ReplyDelete
  28. You are seriously the best ever...Fuck dem bitches with their stupid columns, who wants to be that uptight baking brownines for their kids and having sexless marriages??? When I hear u on the radio, you make my day, so if you have a blog, all the better for me!!! Blog on sister...

    ReplyDelete
  29. Love it!
    But who was the filthy rotter who told you twins get easier??? Lying bastards *shakes fist*
    Bugger the vibrating rockers off and go hard core with a couple of swings, I'm not talkin 'tyre hanging from a tree' type swing, although....are they wee babies?? They could possibly both fit into a tyre.....
    Seriously though, I'm a fulltime Nanny for twins and an older sibling (3 under 17mths when I started,, no wonder the woman needs help!) and for about the first 6 mths the swings were like freakin gold., 5 mins of crying then lights out. Fabo!

    ReplyDelete
  30. Go for it girly! We'll read whatever words you put down! Good luck on getting the twins into SOME type of sleeping routine... those first few months where one sets the other off are MADDENING!

    and

    GOON FOR THE WIN!!

    ReplyDelete
  31. laughed out loud at the increased angry bouncer speed. been there.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Are you serious? You don't HAVE a column?? I thought for sure it was just that I wasn't reading the cool mags. What a travesty.
    Blogging is great though - you get to hear what your readers think of you...I love it.

    ReplyDelete
  33. meh who reads newspapers/magazines anymore .. blogging is the way of the future don't you know? Stuff being read only by the locals .. the world is your stage dahling!

    ReplyDelete
  34. You are awesome Meshel. I love your writing style - you deserve your own highly paid, highly publicised column.
    I miss you on Melbourne radio but will be downloading podcasts.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Nobody reads newspapers anymore Meshel. Online is where it's at. Fuck the antiquated press.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Love you Meshel. There are no words...

    ReplyDelete
  37. Hey Meshel, I too am a 36 year old mother of twins who managed to escape the gravitational pull of the black hole that is Toowoomba. So I'm glad you're blogging and I can have a sticky beak at your life and a snigger at your comments about Toowoomba, and I don't have to buy a crappy newspaper to do it!

    ReplyDelete
  38. Now you just hand on one cotton-pickin' minute. I have been at this blogging game for far longer than you young lady (I am 37 so that is the correct terminology) and I too have been desperate for a column. Mind you, I've done little to actually secure one, rolled in my own little blankie of self-doubt and depreciation.

    Sure, you have the whole twin AND IVF thing -pfft. I've had FOUR boys AND a husband who managed to dislocate his knee at work just a few weeks before the premature arrival of #1 AND develop an ulcerated cut that required a skin graft just months after the arrival of #4.

    And yet, after all my efforts in blog land you're sitting here with 40+ comments on your first post! Man, I cheer if I get into the high teens. And that was even on the birth notice posts. Far out.

    And maggots - dude, don't let Brisvegas claim that victory. As a Sydney chick the number of times I've felt those little blighters smoosh under foot in the bleary hours of the morning, it's all about our clear prowess as domestic goddesses.

    Now, I realise I'm writing this on the day you've posted something incredibly tragic and sad, but there you have it.

    ReplyDelete
  39. Loved your post. And hello from sunny Toowoomba! Will be following - and thanks for the JB headsup.

    ReplyDelete
  40. I'm in Tucson, Arizona, USA and stumbled on to your blog - FABULOUS!

    ReplyDelete
  41. Earning money online never been this easy and transparent. You would find great tips on how to make that dream amount every month. So go ahead and click here for more details and open floodgates to your online income. All the best.

    ReplyDelete