Saturday, January 23, 2010

Beware: Maggots

So it's 7.47 on Sunday morning. I am back at the kitchen table feeding one baby by balancing the bottle between her cherubic lips and my cheek so I have a free hand with which to type. I'm rocking the other in his vibro chair with my foot. Just in case you think the other foot is a bit of a passenger, you should know that it's for gently nudging the dogs away from the rocking baby who's face you'd swear I'd smeared in Chum it's so irresistibly lickable.

I've already dealt with maggots this morning. You may never look at me the same again, or you may be thrilled that someone finally admitted to this, either way, here goes; on occasion, when I've pushed to kitchen bin a day too far, cramming another carcass in a take away container in, instead of taking the whole lot out to the wheelie bin, I wake up with one or two (hundred) little white wrigglers on my kitchen floor. I think it's a Brisbane thing, 'cause it's never happened to me anywhere else but I suppose it's possible my standards have slipped.

This problem used to be Adrian's domain. As the man of the house, the slaying of wild beasts threatening the tribe was just assumed to be his responsibility and never really discussed. He chased the cane toads away from the shi tsu when she needed a night-time wee, he splattered the cockroaches with his thongs, he once chased a possum back through the cat-flap from whence it came at 3 am with his loyal platoon of puppy dogs in chorus behind him, waking up the neighborhood to let them know the enemy had been routed and their master had once again prevailed. All that changed however, one night on holiday in Melbourne 7 months ago, when he and his best mate Sid wandered down a dark St Kilda alley in the middle of the night. Two drunk idiots walked in, but only one walked out. One drunk idiot had to be carried out as he fell arse over while trying relieve himself and snapped his ankle clean in two.

Yes, 7 months ago, a broken ankle. Don't bother telling me about the time you broke yours and were back at work, (as lead dancer in the Paris Opera Ballet) in 6 weeks. I know, I've heard it all before. I've met athletes who finished seasons, I've met senior citizens who kept up their gardens, I've met children who removed their own casts so as not to miss the annual holiday at the beach (true story!). Nobody is still on crutches and as useless as Tiger Woods' wedding ring 7 months after breaking an ankle. Well Adrian is.

The short version is that there was an infection, blah, blah, blah, and obviously that's not his fault. I have to tell you though, knowing he hasn't done any of this on purpose does little to quell my urge to hack off his foot and beat him to death with it while stoking the funeral pyre under our bed with his crutches as kindling. Particularly as he shouts himself a sleep-in on a Sunday morning while I leap out of bed at the first sound of a hungry twin to find the kitchen floor moving, the baby's nappy overflowing, the dogs bickering, the other twin stirring, the milk curdling and my blood pressure peaking.

I recovered from an emergency Caesarean in a week, just so you know. Well I had to, innit, because unfortunately for me, Adrian is the only person in this relationship who has a wife!

18 comments:

  1. I hear you m'love. Sometimes a man cold/man injury/man period is as useless as, the proverbial, tits on a bull. And why are they the king of the house? Cos they have a woman behind them... They'd be screwed without us...

    ReplyDelete
  2. funny funny funny...maggots are a qld thing, its something to do with the heat..lovely to wake up to first thing in the morning ewww...keep your blog up it is funny as. Your honesty is so refreshing..love it love it love it.

    Kris

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm still beyond impressed that you were back on air 1 week after the twins were born...one week after my single baby was born I could barely form a coherent sentence. And to think it's taken Adrian 7 months to get over a broken ankle....hmmmm, men! But put him to work anyway, surely you could fix a broom to one of his crutches, a mop to the other, and get him to clean while he scoots around the house. Excuses, begone!

    ReplyDelete
  4. OMG That was fantastic to read. I am in love with you now! It sounds like you are a one woman army kicking the crap out of andy trouble in life,

    ReplyDelete
  5. Haha, way to pay out on the hubby - hilarious!
    I once had a maggot infestation. Man that was UGLY. And scary like a horror movie!
    I vacuumed those suckers up. The only way to do it.

    ReplyDelete
  6. It's not just a Brissy thing, I've had it in Canberra and Sydney as well.

    Fracking disgusting.

    I thougt my partner's legs/ankles were frustrating (dislocated knee, broken foot and 2 twisted ankles in a year) - but 7 months for a broken ankle is impressive

    ReplyDelete
  7. Once again I realise what I am not missing not having a hubby! The good news is that the Boy Child has been old enough to look after the nasties for me for several years now. Just hope you don't have to wait 14 years or so for someone else to look after the wigglies/creepy crawlies etc.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I'm absolutely petrified of maggots. I've never had them - but I think I would experience my first panic attack if they did decide to move in to my place.

    Thanks for the laugh Meshel... I'm in love with your blog xo

    ReplyDelete
  9. Heh sounds like you had triplets. xxx

    ReplyDelete
  10. time to shove the broom up his butt so he can at least sweep the floor as gets around the house!

    blame him for the maggots for not putting the rubbish out last night before bed...that is soooooooooo a man's job!!!

    and just quietly...nobody should get a sleep in when there are twins in the house except the twins.

    give him a boot up the bum before you shove that broom in there.

    keep up the good work Meshel, I am a fan and a follower.

    ReplyDelete
  11. i had a maggot incident myself recently.
    gf had cooked a roast and instead of washing up the roasting pan she simply put a baking tray over the top and left it sitting on top of the stove.
    a COUPLE of weeks later! i arrive home from work to some horrible smell coming from kitchen, and more specifically the stove top. i lifted the baking tray to find it and the roasting tray crawling with maggots. it was utterly revolting. i almost wretched!!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Oh Meshel my heart goes out to you. The joys of being a mum. My wonderful husband crashed his motorbike (his means of transport) 2 weeks after our son was born requiring me to drive him to and from work for 3 weeks right at feeding times. Let me tell you expressing milk in back of a Honda 4WD in Brisbane peak hour traffic does wonders for one's mental health.

    ReplyDelete
  13. And here I was considering breaking my husband's legs for NOT doing the housework! Damn!! Back to the drawing board...

    ReplyDelete
  14. Maggots, my goodness, well done with that. As if you don't have enough on your plate! And you're making me grateful for my own partner who will willingly shoo cane toads from our front porch for me - must remember to thank him for that more often :p

    ReplyDelete
  15. Ah, so happy to have found your blog. Is it weird that I read it in my head with your voice? haha Looking forward to reading more :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
  16. That was fantastic to read. I too in love with this now! It sounds like you are a one woman army kicking the crap out of andy trouble in life.


    bulk bins perth

    ReplyDelete