Saturday, April 3, 2010


My husband pointed out to me last night that this is the first Easter weekend we've ever spent together. We've been a couple for 14 years so that's quite an achievement although there are a lot of couple things we've never done. He's never attended a 'chick flick' screening with me, because 1) He's an arsehole and 2) I hate them anyway. He won't even go to see movies he would like with me. He's a WWII nut, so every time one of those massive American propaganda films aimed at reminding us how heroic and noble war is, disguised as an historical document comes out I suggest we go. Every time he says, "It'll come to foxtel."

Nobody in this world loves foxtel more than I, but I also love a choc-top and a sneaky handy at the movies. Hand-hold I mean, do you mind? We are married.

My husband doesn't mow the lawn or pretend he's going to fix things around the house one day. My husband has a hire-a-hubby. His name's Clint.

My husband doesn't insist on driving when we go out together. When I was a kid my Dad always drove to places, then got drunk and told mum how to drive all the way home. My husband only learned to drive a couple of years ago, age 40, because I made him. When he drives somewhere he does it very slowly, praying for red lights so he can have a break and regroup. Then when he gets home he describes the entire trip to me detailing all the errors made by other drivers he encountered.

My husband won't come to a shopping centre with me and wait endlessly on the husband seats like my Great-Uncle Sid used to. He even carried Auntie Greta's bag. He had a heart-attack at the shops one day and died, still clutching a navy-blue tote. Bit of a downer in the end there, but t'riffic husband stylings up 'til then. Great-Uncle Robert made Auntie Muriel walk to the hospital after a miscarriage. Less of that thanks chief!

My husband and I don't go to relaxed suburban barbeques together. Last time we tried it he got pretty lose and dropped the C bomb before the snags had even hit the table. I thought one lady had a stroke right there and then. I didn't stick around to find out. I dragged him out to the car and sped away. Of course we rowed dangerously in the car so I pulled over and kicked him out. By my reckoning it should have taken him about half an hour to get home. I didn't reckon enough for drunkenness and it took him 3 hours. In my mind, I had him abducted and interfered with by that stage and had already explained as much to the police and several emergency ward receptionists.

We only have a hand full of friends we allow into our home. Frankly their entry is secured by the fact that their standards are lower than ours and they help us to feel a bit superior. Cheerio if you're reading!

Anyway, this is the first Easter weekend since 1994 that I haven't spent mooching around the Melbourne Town Hall and the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. Even during the 12 or so years we lived in Melbourne, I didn't make it home much over Easter. Work to do, work to admire, work to make me feel like a cheesy try-hard, people to bond with and over, drugs to take and mistakes to make. It's a heady whirl-wind for a young comedian, a deadly serious trade-fair for an intermediate comedian and a money-making machine for a superstar (male) comedian.

As I am none of the above, I've opted out. If you'd told me in '94 that I wouldn't feel part of the festival one day I'd have been devastated. Every dream I had in the world was anchored in belonging to that world, and I did, for a very long time. I wouldn't say it never made me happy, but it rarely made me feel good about myself. I don't think it does anyone. So much competition, so many ways to feel small, so many others to envy, so many hungry to cut you down. So here I am in Brisbane on Easter Sunday. Not hungover or anything else, not sweating on a review or jealous of someone else's, not spewing about not being invited to do something or being dropped form the telecast of something else. God it feels nice. I think I might have just retired.

14 comments:

  1. Obviously you love your husband - you're still together! I still wonder though, he doesn't work in or out of the house - what DOES he do?
    As for getting reviews....I'm here to tell you, your Brisbane listeners LOVE you. If you are away/unwell, I will prob just put on a CD. And now you're a Mummy the reviews you will get from your children will be the only ones that will count.

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  2. This post reeks of self-growth! But, with still so much innate funniness it's more a case of retired my arse! Enjoy Easter - hope you get a sneaky handy in there somewhere.

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  3. My husband is an artist, a painter to be precise, so what he does is fluff around and make the house stink of turps.

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  4. My three year old just dropped his dacks in the middle of the lounge room and I thought, if he was drunk, this would be the HiFi bar. Lovely post. I won't need to post mine now, you've said it all.
    fahey xxxx www.faheyyounger.com/blog

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  5. geez I love your blogs...they make me laugh out loud. The way you describe Adrian is classic. Don't retire from radio anytime soon. I need my morning laugh driving in peak hour..and the labrat does not do it for me.

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  6. Great post. Laughed out loud and then irritated my husband no end, by re-reading the entire piece to him. Thanks!

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  7. Do you get to hire Clint too? Rrrowrrr!

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  8. Meshel, when the time is right, the time is right!

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  9. Great post Meshel. It would be hard to be constantly judged. You're an awesome comedian and I love you on the radio!

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  10. Hey Meshel
    I adore the love you and your husband have for eachother. It's not the kind that makes me sick - where you have to go to every single event together.
    As for the comedy festival opting out - you are a great comedian, but I am glad you are not enduring the struggles of it this year.
    Hope your Easter weekend was relaxing.
    I love your work.
    Carly

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  11. ...Just had to say, speaking of male comedians, the text captcha verification thing for my previous comment on your blog was 'poiter' hehehe.

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  12. Its amazing the void unconditional love can fill. Savour these moments, everyone grows up too fast not just children but mums and dads too. I find it takes a lot less energy to live with the glass half full, if you are lucky enough to have the choice. You have inspired be to resurrect my blog out of its 6month lull, thank you for the opportunity to share in your thoughts.

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  13. I just saw you on the project. How dare you be so racist about redheads, don't you know that to judge a person by there hair colour is racist. How would you like someone to call you fat and ugly.

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  14. I never believed in love spells or magic until I met this spell caster once when i went to see my friend in Indian this year on a business summit. I meant a man who's name is Dr ATILA he is really powerful and could help cast spells to bring back one's gone, lost, misbehaving lover and magic money spell or spell for a good job or luck spell .I'm now happy & a living testimony cos the man i had wanted to marry left me 5 weeks before our wedding and my life was upside down cos our relationship has been on for 3years. I really loved him, but his mother was against us and he had no good paying job. So when i met this spell caster, i told him what happened and explained the situation of things to him. At first i was undecided,skeptical and doubtful, but i just gave it a try. And in 7 days when i returned to Canada, my boyfriend (now husband) called me by himself and came to me apologizing that everything had been settled with his mom and family and he got a new job interview so we should get married. I didn't believe it cos the spell caster only asked for my name and my boyfriends name and all i wanted him to do. Well we are happily married now and we are expecting our little kid, and my husband also got the new job and our lives became much better. His email is atilahealinghome@yahoo.com

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